“Ugh!! Why do you always say that?” Would be my response every time Kyle quoted that silly worthless little phrase. I always understood it to mean, “I give up. There’s nothing that can be done. Let it be.” And that frustrated me because if there was something I was unhappy about, I could ALWAYS find a way to change it.
Or could I?
“It is was it is” has been the theme of my grieving this year. But not in a nonchalant, “I give up. There’s nothing I can do.” Attitude but rather a “this cannot be changed. I must move on.”. I said at the funeral that this pain will not be wasted. I wasn’t about to get depressed and become a worthless vessel on this planet.
I didn’t care about Kyle’s grave at all. “I” didn’t but I cared how the kids would feel right now and visiting the grave site in the near and distance future. The cemetery was free. And I battled with location but decided it was far enough to not plague them but close enough to visit anytime they want. The casket had to be nice enough to display and that was it.
It’s a body. A physical thing just like my dresser, a car, or a banana. It’s not him. It’s not their daddy. But I see it as a place to gather your thoughts and feel like you are away from the chaos to breath and remember.
His body is gone at this point and by gone, I mean it looks nothing like him. Trust me. I looked it up online. Gross, I know, but knowledge is power and it helped me move forward.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “But our family of 5…. I want my family of 5.”. I hear Jesus’ response, “my heart hurts with you, Kerri, but ‘it is what it is.’”
Worship night two weeks ago was the first time I’d been at that building since the funeral. And it was beautiful to be there for worship. The funeral happened. The chapter closed. This next chapter is worship. With my whole life. With everything. Only Jesus.
I can’t change it. That chapter in this very short book of my life is over. I moved forward. And of course, you regularly take steps back when something hits you that you haven’t thought about before. But in general, knowing Kyle is worshiping God and neither he nor God would want me wallowing and my kids don’t need me wallowing and there is nothing to wallow about!!! I don’t WANT to change it.
Kyle’s in FREEDOM, PEACE, JOY. The only thing to wallow about is that I want to be with Jesus too!
This has been a slow process to get to the place I am for communicating in this post but I’m here. Kyle was a good chapter of my life. Our marriage had hard times. Believe me. More then anyone knows. But there were good times too. And more then grieving Kyle(who’s praising Jesus now!), I grieve the loss my daughters will feel in the coming years. I grieve the hole my son will feel as he remembers his dad. But I praise the Lord Jesus that He alone fills the gap.
Losing their daddy sucks but it may just be the thing that brings them to their knees to praise His Holy Name and I don’t care what it takes to get to that place. I want my children giving their lives to JESUS. And oh, the smile that would light up Kyle’s face knowing that his death may bring them to Jesus.
“It is what it is.” And now I’m living day to day with people who need more Jesus.. With me who needs more Jesus. With my children that need more Jesus. I can’t sit in last year’s chapter. There are too many pages left to write. Too many lives to change.
And THAT is what it is.